How Marie Kondo Brought Me Joy When Seizures Made Me Want to Die

The life-changing magic of origami panties

In 2002, I started having seizures — out-of-the-blue, fall down, lose all muscle control episodes.

Cue up the series of medical tests that ended with a highly respected neurologist diagnosing me with epilepsy of the focal impaired awareness variety. She handed me a prescription for Lamotrigine, an anticonvulsant drug, and said I’d be on it for the rest of my life. I was 38.

By the time I’d seen the neurologist, I’d learned that my ‘tell’ that a seizure was imminent was an intense, full-body, déjà vu feeling. It gave me just enough time to place my cup of tea on a table or my ass in a chair. With the knowledge that my brain was only hiccupping, not trying to kill me, I started to enjoy these out-of-body experiences. A lot.

The side effects of the drugs to stop the seizures though? I did not like those. Not one bit.

Even at just 1/16th of the full dose, I became almost vegetative. I couldn’t read, write or focus for the length of a short conversation. I was told it could take months for my body to adjust to the drug. I gave Lamotrigine a week and then sold the remaining pills on the black market.

Joking! I took the drug for six days and returned the rest to the pharmacy to dispose of responsibly. Sheesh. I’d developed epilepsy, not stupidity.

Although I had no control over my body, I could feel what it was doing. Every time, it was the exact same set of movements. First, my eyes would squeeze shut tight. Then my left arm would rise and form a fist, opening and closing as if I was catching, then releasing a bug. Over and over and over. And my mouth did the same thing, repeatedly opening and closing as I said, “yup, yup, yup.” For anywhere from 30 seconds to three minutes, I’d be stuck in this loop.

I was always disappointed when my seizures ended. No matter how long it lasted, it was never long enough because as my body was busy doing its thing, it was like my spirit was left unattended, and allowed to escape!

With my eyes squeezed shut, I could see myself from above my body as an energy source. Nothing special — nothing psychedelic or interesting…

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