Reassurance

Still in my cruel hiatus from normal life in a city I once knew but no longer recognize, I keep thinking about the various forms of reassurance I seem to need from myself and from a few others to easy the crippling anxiety, the cluster of headaches and the general loss of hope. ‘Reassurance’ seems an odd topic for a blog post but I suppose it’s what is occupying my mind more than other things right now. People generally need reassurance to remove any fears or doubts and to help them feel better. I wonder why I sometimes lack the ability to do this for myself. I think I’d deal better with someone throwing a jar of spiders in my face than this current situation. So whilst I wouldn’t necessarily need reassurance for the arachnid facial, I seem to need it for the uncertainty of being away from my home.

As a child I didn’t have reassurance and quickly realized that if I needed it, I’d need to do it for myself. It’s just not something that was done in my family. There were no comforting words, no soothing hugs and certainly no assurance that things were going to be alright. I remember a grand total of one time in my life when one of my parents gave me some reassurance. It was the morning after my family migrated from thousands of miles away to a new country in the dead of winter, where I woke up and started crying. My dad came and sat on the edge of the bed and told me it was going to be alright. It quelled my fears, my anxiety and made me feel better. I didn’t know then what I know now about how much reassurance helps to soothe me.

I learned how to reassure myself as I got older but it also got harder with some of the interesting curve balls from life. When I discovered my husband of 8 years was cheating on me, my brain seemed to split in two to reassure me that I was going to be alright. One side, the very analytical side, took care of the fragile emotional side. I’m loathe to liken the analytical side to being more ‘masculine’ because it is strategic, strong, resilient and capable. I will not liken the other side to being ‘female’ because it’s fragile, emotional, passionate and delicate. Those are stereotypes I will not perpetuate even though it’s likely what will be drawn from describing them that way. The reassurance I needed then, and perhaps now, is from the strategic, strong, resilient and capable side. I wonder if that side only steps up when I do not have a physical person who has those qualities.

I know I am strong and resilient. I know that I can deal with things. I know I can reassure myself. I also think that it’s normal when I have people in my life to expect them to demonstrate some degree of that reassurance. Maybe that’s unfair to expect. I think for me I need the reassurance from those in my life to know that I still matter to them. That’s not unfair. It may seem like it’s needy or dependent to some but we all have needs. For me, the reassurance to know that someone still loves me or cares about me comes from a place having been betrayed, disconnected and broken. It’s an exercise of trust for me. I’m never afraid to disclose what my loved ones mean to me — and we often give out what we expect back.

I know my need for reassurance now stems from never receiving enough reassurance growing up. I was never told that I was lovable, wonderful, or just okay as I was. A reassurance deficit has keep me on the wheel of continually looking outside myself for validation to help me feel valued and grounded. I grew up with criticism, neglect and shaming and now my secure internal base is broken. I don’t blame my parents — ever. They did the best they could and did what they knew. It just so happens that it was not good enough. I can’t speak with them about this now, not for lack of trying. But it’s not about them, I’m sure they are secure in their world and their reality. This is about me and what I feel about my need for reassurance.

I think it’s human to seek reassurance. None of us are completely self-sufficient and without the need of something and or someone else. I feel like I’m at my most insecure when I don’t acknowledge my fears and insecurities. It has taken so many years for me to actually say when I need someone or something rather than continuing the unhealthy cycle perpetuated by my family of ‘suck it up and deal’. It has been a blessing to find people with whom I can be vulnerable and talk to them when I feel anxious or insecure. A reciprocal sharing of our humanity and vulnerability, including our need for reassurance, builds trust and connection. I was thinking of this last night when I spoke with a friend of mine and I asked him to check up on me this weekend as I knew I was feeling vulnerable. I needed him to just check in to say hello and to make sure I was not drowning myself in doubt, loss of hope and sadness. I also needed him to check in on me because I didn’t trust myself to reach out to him if I needed him this weekend.

So before I go looking for that jar of spiders, I will recognize that it’s healthy to need reassurance and to ask for it. It will all be alright. It will be okay.

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